


12 Days of Christmas

by xxxtabix



Category: Big Bang (Band), Winner (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, GTOP, M/M, alternative universe, gtop are parents, it's a rollercoaster and i'm sorry for that, merry belated christmas lol, or am I?, soldier seunghyun, songkim but not enough to properly tag it as a ship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-29
Updated: 2020-12-29
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:02:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,321
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28395081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xxxtabix/pseuds/xxxtabix
Summary: At the age of 11, Kwon Jiyong already knew he would one day marry Choi Seunghyun, the quiet and a little chubby kid one grade above him that loves to rap.A little Christmas one-shot that turned out completely different than how I initially planned it.
Relationships: Choi Seunghyun | T.O.P./Kwon Jiyong | G-Dragon
Comments: 8
Kudos: 26





	12 Days of Christmas

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: This is pure fiction and set in an ALTERNATIVE UNIVERSE so every law or rule you might know from the real world? Forget about them all, they don't exist here. As a little orientation, in this story Seunghyun is born 1980 and Jiyong 1981.

When you are young, you dream of many things but especially your future. What job you might have 10 years down the lane, if you’ll be successful and maybe have a house, a wife and kids. Or end up alone as a cat parent, sitting in front of the tv all day eating mac and cheese while watching a rerun of ‘The Nanny’.

At the age of 11, Kwon Jiyong already knew he would one day marry Choi Seunghyun, the quiet and a little chubby kid one grade above him that loves to rap. Choi Seunghyun with a smile to die for, with a humour that is just as weird as it is hilarious and Jiyong fell for instantly. Call it old-fashioned, but Jiyong was in love at first sight.

_( 1 – 1996 )_

“Do you already know what you wanna do after graduation?” Jiyong asks and turns his head from where it is nestled onto Seunghyun’s stomach. Seunghyun's gaze is fixed onto the tv screen where a videogame is playing but at the sound of Jiyong’s voice, he pauses the game and looks down.

“I...I do have a plan yes. I just don’t know if I’d actually be any good at it,” he mumbles. That perks Jiyong’s interest and he turns his whole body to the side to have a clearer view to the boy’s face.

“Now I wanna know. Will you tell me? Please?”

He knows he can get it out of Seunghyun, the older boy is always so easy to read and completely at his mercy if he wants him to be. Seunghyun bites his lower lip as if to contemplating if he should tell him but eventually loses the inner battle.

“I wanna join the army.”

Jiyong stares at the boy in disbelief. He doesn’t know what to say, doesn’t know how to react. Did he hear him right? He wants to join the army?

“You...what?”

“I know it’s stupid, why would they take someone like me? A nerd who weights way too much and likes music and video games and has average grades,” Seunghyun rambles on and that’s when Jiyong finally starts to move. He quickly sits up and pushes his hand against his mouth.

“Stupid,” he mumbles and shakes his head, “if this is what you wanna do, then you should go for it. Live your dreams or shit like this. You still have two years until you graduate right? I can help you studying for that test you have to take and we can exercise together and then you will-”

Jiyong can’t finish his sentence as warm lips press against his own in a rushed way. His eyes widen at the sudden but not so unwelcome action as he stares back into his best friends' darker ones. He didn’t realise he pulled away his hand and lunged forward but that doesn’t matter. His eyes flutter shut as he kisses him back, his hands hesitantly moving to Seungyhun’s neck to pull him closer. He can feel the smile forming on the other boy’s lips and he’s sure he mirrors the action.

“I wanted to do this ever since Youngbae told me you declared you wanted to marry me in front of your whole class,” Seunghyun whispers with a faint blush adoring his cheeks and Jiyong wants nothing more than to kiss him again.

And well that’s what he eventually does.

_( 2 – 2001 )_

“Hey Seunghyun?” Jiyong mumbles and looks over to where his _fiancé_ is lying on his stomach, a book in hand and a sleeping cat on his back. Jiyong wants to burn this sight into his brain forever, so domestic and relaxed.

The other man hums but doesn’t avert his eyes from the page. A pout forms on Jiyong’s lips so he reaches forward to snatch the book from his fingers, earning a yell of protest from the other. Putting the book next to himself, Jiyong crosses his arms and _finally,_ Seunghyun rests his chin on his palm and turns his head. With a raised brow, he waits for Jiyong to start and that’s when he realises, he didn’t think his plan through.

The question he wants to ask him burns at the tip of his tongue but he isn’t sure if it’s not too soon. They didn’t talk about this yet, heck he doesn’t even know if they should talk about this right now. He’s still in college and Seunghyun has first mission away from the States scheduled for earlier next year. Maybe that’s the reason why he wants this so bad.

“Jiyong?” Seunghyun’s eyes turn soft as he sees Jiyong hesitate and reaches for his hand to squeeze his fingers gently. “Hey, I lost you there for a second. What is it you wanted to ask me?”

Swallowing down the lump in his throat, Jiyong coughs and looks at their joined hands, the engagement ring beaming at him with such pride that Jiyong decides to just ask. He doesn’t have anything to lose, right?

“Do you want to have...kids one day?”

He keeps his eyes on the ring, he doesn’t want to look into Seunghyun’s face, doesn’t want to see his reaction to it. It’s enough that he hears it – which is _none at all_.

This is stupid, he shouldn’t have asked, he should’ve waited. They aren’t even married yet and with their current situation they can barely provide for themselves, how should they be able to look after a _child_?

Jiyong is pulled out of his train of thoughts when a warm hand cups his cheek and he slowly looks up. Seunghyun is now sitting upright, the same gorgeous smile on his lips as the one he fell in love with all those years ago. His thumb is stroking the skin just beneath his eye and Jiyong leans into the touch.

“Where is that thought coming from?” he wonders and Jiyong sighs. It’s a stupid reason.

“Well...Dami is pregnant and I just thought that...I know it’s stupid...” he mumbles, the heat shooting up in his cheeks. Seunghyun chuckles and pulls him forward while falling backwards. He wraps his arms around Jiyong’s small waist and Jiyong nestles his head beneath the older man’s chin comfortably.

“It’s not stupid,” Seunghyun rasps out and kisses his hair. “Believe it or not but I already thought about it as well. We’re great cat parents already, I’m sure you’ll be an amazing father.”

Jiyong’s heart skips a beat at the confession, he wasn’t expecting this turn of events. He lifts himself onto his elbows to look down into his fiancés face, searching his eyes for any kind of doubt or dishonesty but he finds none. On the contrary, he sees nothing but pure love and affection and that’s enough for him.

Leaning down, Jiyong plants a soft kiss onto his lips, a lazy movement of lips with a taste of the future.

_( 3 – 2003 )_

They adopt the boy at the age of one year and five months. His mother has been still too young so she sought help at the church who helped her deliver the baby. The nun who took care of the little boy, a woman with passion, gentle hands and a pure heart, was delighted when she found out a couple were interested in adopting him. Their common friend Youngbae, a loyal man to the church, knew that Jiyong and Seunghyun were looking forward to adopt for a while now and with the legal documents finally being all set to give it a go, he knew exactly where to send them.

Sister Clarissa opens the door at the second ring and leads the nervous man into the house. It’s an old villa with dark wooden floor and panelling, a few plants pushed into the corners and there are even painting hanging from the wall. Jiyong is surprised, he imagined a foster care home to be duller and darker but the windows are big and let the light flood into the spacious hallways.

“Gentlemen, can I bring you anything?” Sister Clarissa asks them once they reach a room that looks like a living room. The couple shares glances before Jiyong eventually nods, his mouth has gone dry and he can feel the nervousness creeping up inside. The nun leaves the room again, leaving both men standing in the doorway before they slowly make their way over to the long table set in the middle.

There are children playing on the carpet in front of the fireplace, a boy and two girls who look up once the men enter the room. Jiyong stares back at the little ones who shyly return to their building task and Jiyong sighs.

“Did you see that? Are you sure I’ll be a good father?” he mumbles but Seunghyun only reaches for his hand and squeezes it. “The best.”

Once Sister Clarissa returns with glasses of fresh water and a few self-made cookies (“The kids made them just this morning.”), she starts to interview them about why they wanna adopt the little boy. Jiyong explains that they’ve wanted to adopt for quite a while now but because of Seunghyun’s job, they had to get a few documents first which slowed the whole process down. He can sense that at the mention of Seunghyun’s job, Sister Clarissa’s good energy from earlier wavers a bit so he tries to push the conversation into another direction.

“I love kids, I always wanted to have a child of my own. Ever since the law allowed people like...people like us to adopt, we knew it’s the right thing to complete our family. To give a little person a home so we can love him or her or them with all our heart. My sister has a child of her own and the number of times I looked after my niece, I can’t even count,” he finishes, his fingers digging into Seunghyun’s palm who has stayed quiet for the whole talk. He seems far more relaxed than Jiyong does and he silently curses at him for staying so calm.

Sister Clarissa hums and nods, she’s been looking at Jiyong the whole time but now she slowly averts her eyes over to Seunghyun who returns the look.

“And what about you, Mister Choi? Do you have the same beliefs set for your future as Mister Kwon?”

A small smile plays at the corner of Seunghyun’s lips.

“I have a nephew myself who I adore and cherish even though he can be a true rebel. My sister is always complaining about how exhausted she is and that Yeonyun is driving her nuts these days. So, of course I wondered if that is truly what I want for us. Children are a lot of work but not in the sense you might think I need it now. They need loving parents they can trust, especially when they grow up in a system like this. I admire the work you do here, Sister Clarissa and I would love nothing more than to open my house for a lost and lonely soul to join my husband and me.”

Jiyong stares at Seunghyun while his heart beats and pulls against his chest like crazy. He is amazed and shocked at the same time that those words came out of his ever so quiet and taciturn husband. And he must have said all the right words as well because the gentle smile is back on Sister Clarissa’s lips.

“Very well, Mister Choi, Mister Kwon. Are you ready to meet little Minho?”

_(_ _4_ _–_ _2006_ _)_

“Alright champ, time for bed,” Seunghyun says and gets up from the couch, lifting up their little ray of sunshine to throw him over his shoulder. Minho laughs and pats his hands on his dad’s back and playfully kicks his feet.

“Nooo! Dad I don’t wanna go to bed yet,” he yells, a pout forming on his lips and Jiyong can see the silent laughter vibrating through his husband’s body as he gasps and gives Minho a light slap on his ass.

“But don’t you know that the evil sleep monster will come and get you if you refuse?” Seunghyun asks, earning another scream from the boy.

“Yah you’re lying!”

Seunghyun laughs and climbs the stairs up to his bedroom where he lets him down onto the bed. Minho tries to jump up again and run past him but Seunghyun is faster. He pulls him against his chest and falls backwards while Minho struggles to get free.

“Dad...! Dad! Urg PA HELP ME,” he whines loudly and looks at Jiyong with wide eyes as he looks down at the puddle of men, bemused.

“Do you want me to join the cuddle party?” he asks but the little boy shakes his head vehemently.

“No! Get dad away from me,” he says with a pout and Jiyong sighs.

“Will you go to bed then?”

Minho pretends to think for a few moments before he eventually nods. He’s in a rebellious phase lately and Jiyong is actually surprised he agreed to easily. There has to be a catch.

“Alright, come on big baby number two, time to move to your own bed,” he chuckles and pats Seunghyun’s thigh who wiggles his eyebrows just for Jiyong to see. Jiyong’s cheeks flush at the underlying suggestion that smirk holds and tries to hide it with rolling his eyes.

“Come on, Minho you still have to brush your teeth as well,” he says with a stern voice. Seunghyun loosens the grip around his waist so the 4 years old boy can run into the bath next door. Jiyong looks down at his husband who pushes himself onto his forearms, that suggestive smirk still on his lips but Jiyong shakes his head.

“No, don’t even think about it.”

“But-”

“No buts, especially not mine tonight. I have to get out of the house early tomorrow morning and if I recall correctly, you as well, old man,” he teases, laughing as Seunghyun grunts and starts to chase him out of their son’s room for a quick make-out session behind their bedroom door, giggling like teenagers before Jiyong eventually pushes Seunghyun out of the room so he can change without grabby hands undressing him again. Once he’s done, he makes his way to the bathroom, rushing through his night routine.

The last stop is their son’s room for a quick good night kiss. The door is half open and he can see the dim light coming from within, a soothing voice ringing through the air. Jiyong pushes the door open some more so he can have a proper look inside and the sight that greets him warms his heart to an extent, no words can describe how happy it makes him.

Seunghyun is sitting at the edge of the bed, a book in hand while Minho has his plush duck tugged against his chest, eyes dropping every 5 seconds to the deep timbre of Seunghyun reading the story of the Sun and the Moon. Seunghyun’s eyes flicker to their son every once in a while, and he closes the book quietly when he realises Minho fell asleep. Leaning down, he kisses his forehead softly and whispers a “ _Good night, champ._ ” before he gets up and makes his way to the door.

“I thought you went to bed already?” he asks in a low voice when he finds his husband standing in the doorframe. Jiyong shakes his head and nods in the direction of the sleeping boy. With an understanding smile, Seunghyun moves past him, vanishing in the bathroom while Jiyong tiptoes to the bed and crouches down in front of it.

Minho’s lips are slightly parted, his cheeks still red from the exhausting day in the snow that left him still with way too much energy. Jiyong leans forward to brush his lips against his forehead, his fingers trailing through his black hair as he whispers “ _I love you, buddy._ ”

A little while later, when Seunghyun slips in bed behind Jiyong and pulls him against his chest, with his lips planted in the nape of his neck, Jiyong could cry.

He’s the happiest he could have ever been.

_( 5 – 2010 )_

Like every happy family, there comes the time when things start to get out of sync just a tiny bit. But sometimes, this tiny little bit is enough to pull the strings out of their support one after the other. There’s always one event that sets it all into motion.

“They offered me a lead position at one of their bases,” Seunghyun says, almost casually, after dinner. He has his hands deep inside the dishwater, gaze focused on his task at hand but Jiyong almost loses the grip around the plate he just dried. He stares at Seunghyun who continues to set the washed glasses aside as if nothing happened, as if he didn’t just drop the biggest bomb on him without any warning.

“Where?” Jiyong asks after he regained his posture, his voice sounding strangely strangled. He gets no reply though and that’s when he sees the tension in Seunghyun’s shoulders that hasn’t been there before. And suddenly he fears the answer to the question.

“Seunghyun, _where_ ,” he asks again, this time his voice is steadier and the anger and disappointment that is boiling in the pit of his stomach are already swinging with. Seunghyun’s hands stop their motions to rest on the kitchen sink, head hanging low as if he’s ashamed. But he still doesn’t answer but somehow, it’s answer enough for Jiyong. A country that is at war, it’s the only plausible explanation.

“For how long?”

“24 months.”

Another punch in his gut. Jiyong stumbles backwards to rest against the fridge, his hands curling into fists as he stares at his husband who doesn’t dare to look him in the eye.

“And you agreed? Without talking about it with me beforehand?”

“I knew you would react like this. It’s a one-time opportunity and it’s a financial boost that is especially good for Minho,” Seunghyun is quick to argue but Jiyong is having none of it. With a humourless laugh, he throws the towel in his direction and stems his hands into his sides.

“What, are you implying I don’t earn enough money so _you_ have to play hero and take the first crazy job offer they have? You know we like you _alive_ and not-"

He can’t finish his sentence as a choked sob leaves his throat at the mere thought of losing Seunghyun, he can’t lose him, not him. Not his rock, his one and only, his best friend, his husband, Minho’s dad, his rolemodel.

Seunghyun rushes to him in an instant, arms wrapping around his frame as Jiyong is being pressed against a broad chest and even though he is incredible angry at him and wants to push him away, he can’t. He needs to feel him, his warm body. Alive.

They stay like this for a couple of minutes, quiet sobs and slow breathing filling the air as Seunghyun rocks the man in his arms.

“When do you have to leave?” Jiyong eventually asks.

“Next Friday morning...”

“But that’s Christmas Eve,” Jiyong whispers, his hands shaking and fisting into the material of Seunghyun’s shirt. His eyes glide over his shoulder to the living room where Minho is playing with his dinosaurs in front of the chimney, carefree and innocent, not knowing what will come.

“I know.”

Jiyong closes his eyes and takes a deep breath.

“It will break Minho’s heart.”

A pause that feels like hours, a silence that can cut the air.

“I know.”

"But you will come back to us. Promise me, Seunghyun," Jiyong says with such a small voice that it's barely audible.

"Always. I promise."

_( 6 – 2012 )_

“I think our son is in love,” Jiyong chuckles and glances over the brim of his glasses perched up on his nose to where their son is sitting at the table with his colouring book he got from his aunt Dami.

“What?” comes the reply right away and Jiyong’s eyes flicker back to Seunghyun’s horrified face. “He’s only 10!”

“So what? I was 12 when I declared to the whole class that I would marry you and I did,” Jiyong answers, an amused smile playing around his lips. His husband runs a hand over his face and massages the bridge of his nose before he eventually asks who their son has his sights on.

“There is this boy one grade above him that he keeps gushing about.”

“Hold up did you just say-” Seunghyun’s mouth opens and he looks like he wants to continue but nothing comes out, he opens and closes his mouth like a fish on dry land. Jiyong can’t help but burst out into a fit of laughter.

“Don’t be so shocked, love. It’s quite adorable to see him getting all flustered and shy whenever he invites him over.”

The soldier on the other end of the line is quiet as he casts his eyes downwards and fidgets with his fingers. It’s a habit Jiyong knows too well.

“I wish I could be there to see it myself.”

Jiyong bites his lip and the light atmosphere vanishes like a blow of dry air.

“I wish I could be there to spend today with my favourite people in the world.”

A gloomy feeling nestles at the pitch of Jiyong’s stomach upon hearing his husband’s words that hold a lot of meaning. But actions speak louder than words and right now he is _not_ here with them but somewhere across the ocean, surrounded by his colleagues, foreign people and _war_.

“You didn’t have to accept this mission,” Jiyong says, a hint of bitterness swinging in his voice. He can’t help to feel the way he does, like Seunghyun always puts his job over his family. It’s a constant battle over “I have to provide for the family, Jiyong!” and “But what about me? _Us_?”

“I’ll be back in a month.”

 _One month too late_ , Jiyong thinks but keeps his mouth shut. Because despite the growing feeling of tightness in the pitch of his stomach, he loves this idiot giving him a tired but yet adoring smile through the camera. He just hopes his love is enough after all.

_(_ _7_ _–_ _201_ _4_ _)_

When Seunghyun comes back this time, he is different. It is not like the previous times he went away. It starts to stain their relationship in a subtle way and more times than he’d like to admit, Jiyong finds himself silently crying in the bathroom. He can’t be weak in front of their boy; he has to keep up the happy farce for him. They have to be a strong family, a family he can be proud of. But it gets harder every day.

He knows Seunghyun carries burdens with him, stories he doesn’t want to share. Not with him, not with _anybody_. And it hurts, to know your husband doesn’t want to confide in you. All Jiyong sees are the problems that come as an unpleasant side effect and that are persistent with no intention of going away.

“Do you even want this to work?”

Jiyong stands in front of their bed which Seunghyun hasn’t left for the last 3 days. He’s as much concerned as he’s not, he knows he’s probably feeling some kind of way, _a way Jiyong can’t comprehend because_ _Seung_ _hyun_ _just won’t talk to him_ , and he has to hold himself back from saying something he might regret.

He just wants a reaction. Any kind of reaction.

“Seunghyun.”

But there is no reaction.

Jiyong sighs and rounds the bed. Seunghyun is staring at the wall, his fingers curled into fists that he unclenches every 10 seconds to drum a pattern against his chest and the bedsheets before closing them again. It looks like a ritual, something else Jiyong can’t quite comprehend but would love to. For his sake, to help him, to be there for him.

“Why are you shutting me out like this,” he whispers and sinks down on the edge of the bed. He doesn’t reach out to touch him, afraid he might trigger a reaction he _doesn’t_ want and waits for Seunghyun’s fists to relax again, his breathing slowing down.

A single tear runs down his cheek.

“Seunghyun,” he whispers and reaches for his shoulder, his fingertips trailing up to his neck to stroke the soft hair at the nape, “if you don’t want me to help you then...please. Let someone else help you.”

Seunghyun closes his eyes and says nothing but it looks like he’s enjoying the soft touch which is more than anything Jiyong received as acknowledgment during the past weeks.

“Please. I love you, I don’t wanna see you suffer like this.”

“You think I suffer?”

His voice is low and raspy and broken. Maybe Jiyong isn’t the only one feeling helpless and lonely right now.

“I can see it in the way you treat yourself. Please,” Jiyong murmurs, he’s not quite begging yet but if that would make Seunghyun consider any kind of help, then so be it.

“I-” Seunghyun’s voice break and he takes a shuddering breath, “I don’t want to be like this in front of you.”

“How?” Jiyong whispers, his fingers now gently stroking his cheek.

“Weak. Broken. Pathetic. The excuse of a man,” is the reply that hits him like needles and he suddenly feels guilty for every malice and selfish thought he had.

“It’s okay to feel like this and it won’t change the way I feel about you,” Jiyong murmurs and leans down to place a soft kiss on his cheek. “Never.”

“Dad!” they hear the shout from outside the bedroom door and footsteps coming closer in the hallway. Seconds later, the door bursts open and Minho rushes inside. He stops cold in his tracks when he sees Jiyong sitting with him and lowers his head.

“I’m sorry I should’ve knocked,” he mumbles but Jiyong only shakes his head, smiling.

“What is it that you want, buddy?” he asks and Minho raises his head again, a smile spreading over his lips.

“I wanted to show you the progress I mad on my art project today. My teacher said it’s very good and that I have talent.” The excitement swings in his voice and maybe that’s exactly what Seunghyun needs now, Jiyong thinks as he gets up and walks past their son, squeezing his shoulder.

“Tell him all about it. I’ll make us something to eat okay?”

Reaching the doorway, he turns around again to see how Minho takes the spot he previously occupied and how he takes out his art folder, showing Seunghyun his creation. It’s then that Jiyong can see the corner of Seunghyun’s lips lifting a ghost of an inch and he knows they will be fine, eventually.

_(_ _8_ _–_ _2017_ _)_

With every passing day, Jiyong hopes for Seunghyun to say the words that will finally bring his mind and his heart some peace. He wants him to be home, with them, to spend time with their family. He knows his comrades are important to Seunghyun but what about his own family? Shouldn’t that be the most import instance in your life?

“You don’t understand, Jiyong. This is just...different.”

Of course, it is different, they faced death and danger together, through thick and thin, saved lives, lost lives, saved brothers but also lost them.

Attending a funeral is never easy, especially the one from someone you share a bond, a different bond Jiyong and Seunghyun share. He has been in Seunghyun’s troop, a young man from Chicago who leaves behind a wife and two wonderful children and all Jiyong wants is for Seunghyun to say “ _That’s it, I’m_ _staying here for good from now on._ ”

But it comes different. Of course, it does.

Seunghyun has the wonderful characteristic to always drop bombs like this in the most inconvenient situations. Like after a round of amazing sex because their son is for once not at home this night when all Jiyong wants to do is cuddle and maybe engage a round two. Well not anymore.

“You did _what_?!” he shrieks and pushes away from his husband’s naked chest to sit up and stare down at him. Staring daggers at him if he could because that’s what he deserves.

Seunghyun crosses his arms beneath his head and simply stares back at him, his lips twitching.

“It’s one small mission to a region that is not dangerous nor are there any chances of my troop getting attacked. It’s...I need this, Jiyong. My team needs this or else we won’t ever get over-”

He doesn’t finish because Jiyong knows, fuck he always knows somehow without knowing at all. He hangs his head and buries his face in his hands.

“Fuck Seunghyun, you know how I feel about this.”

“I know and I hate to make you feel like this, I hate it so much. And I only ask for your consent to be selfish this last time.”

Jiyong’s head snaps up at the last words, he isn’t sure he heard them right. Did he say-

“Last time?”

Seunghyun sits up slowly and brushes their noses together in a way he hasn’t done in a long time but it makes Jiyong’s stomach flutter like he’s 16 again.

“This will be my last mission. I promise,” Seunghyun whispers and leans forward to capture Jiyong’s lips in a sweet kiss that the latter returns with a newfound desperation and hope. Hope for better days, excitement for the time they’ll spend together once he never has to send the love of his life away, fearing he might never come back every day.

It’s a feeling he wants to chase as Seunghyun pushes him back into the mattress, a feeling he holds on to as if his life depends on it.

The first snow is falling that night when Jiyong traces invisible patterns over Seunghyun’s chest that is heaving in a steady and slow rhythm, indicating his sleeping state but Jiyong is too giddy, too happy to fall asleep just yet, too _breathless_.

“I can’t wait for you stay with us,” he whispers and pushes away the dog tags lying on his husband’s chest, heavy and proud.

_( 9 – 2019 )_

When the letter arrives with his dog tags attached to it, rusty and scratched, Jiyong breaks down.

He can't _breathe_.

It’s Christmas morning.

_( 10 – 2020 )_

Seunghyun has been officially missing for one year and three months now and Jiyong still lives as if he’s on autopilot. Minho’s birthday is getting closer and he knows he should prepare something for this big event, he’s turning 18 after all. And soon he will graduate. But it’s like his life has stopped making sense ever since he suddenly became a single parent. Seunghyun may be alive but he also may be dead and this thought isn’t sitting right with Jiyong. At this point, what even are the chances of him being still alive? He doesn’t want to think about the ‘ _what if’s_ ’. What he knows for sure is that right now, he is the only one his son has. And if he’s thinking about it, it’s been like this for the past years, he’s been there for him more than Seunghyun was.

The glass he’s been holding shatters into a million pieces and he can feel something running down his fingers. Seconds later, there are warm hands occupying his own and his son is coming into his view, worry filling his eyes and it’s only when he sees his mouth moving but not hearing a word, he shakes his head. It’s like the world stopped there for a second. Jiyong looks down slowly to where Minho is now inspecting his hand and almost gets dizzy when he sees the blood now running down his wrist.

“Pa, what the hell were you thinking?” Minho mumbles as he gently leads him away from the kitchen sink to sit him down on one of the bar stools. Jiyong watches as Minho places a towel down onto the cool surface and rests his hand on it.

“I’ll be right back,” he says and vanishes inside their home. Jiyong lets out a heavy sigh and stares at his bleeding hand. Isn’t it alarming, not to feel any pain at all?

A few minutes later, his son is back with a first aid kit and settles down next to him. They neither speak a word while Minho removes the little splinters of glass that dug themselves into Jiyong’s soft flesh. Nor while he cleans the wound and starts to bandage him up.

“Where did you learn to do that?” Jiyong finally asks. Minho shrugs.

“Grey’s Anatomy...” he mumbles. The older man quirks a brow at the confession and a soft blush spreads over his son’s cheeks.

“Jinwoo makes me watch those hospital dramas with him,” Minho quickly adds and Jiyong chuckles, a smile tugging at the corner of his lips. He decides to spare his son the teasing and just hums in acknowledgement.

“There, all finished up,” Minho announces and Jiyong turns his hand to eye his work. He isn’t severely injured but he can now feel the pain pulsating through his body and he winces at the unpleasant feeling.

“Pa...”

Jiyong’s eyes flicker back to the boy looking at him with the same concern he saw just a few minutes earlier. There’s an unspoken question hanging in the air but Jiyong knows that Minho knows and it breaks his heart a little. He wanted to be strong for him, for them. What kind of father is he when he can’t be strong?

“Don’t shut me out.”

The pull at his heart only intensifies at the words and he knows he’s right, he’s a smart boy despite him saying he is not. But he still feels like he failed him, this family, at some point. Starting by letting Seunghyun go instead of holding him here.

“I’m am so sorry,” he whispers and closes his eyes, he can feel the burn of the tears threatening to spill but he tells himself not to cry now. He has to be strong. He has to be-

“Pa, don’t. I never blamed you.”

The words are like bullets hitting his every fibre and finally the dam breaks, the first salty tears make their way over his cheeks and an ugly sob surfaces from deep inside his body.

“I couldn’t hold him here, we couldn’t be the family you deserved when we brought you here, we failed you, _I_ failed you, I-”

The words spill out without control of what he is saying. It’s the shattering truth and realisation of how broken their family is. That he failed them, that the picture-perfect family he dreamt of as an 11-years old boy doesn’t exist after all. And that dreams can turn into nightmares faster than you can blink.

Jiyong feels a pair of arms encircling his waist and a pair of lips against his forehead. He lets out a choked out laugh at the thought of his son holding his crying father, cradling him in his arms while he is bawling his eyes out so pathetically.

“I miss him too,” Minho breathes, a waver in his voice that signals the coming rush of emotions. “But Pa I never blamed you for all of this. It was his decision and I have to admit at first, I hated him for leaving us again, for leaving _you_ again. He left us here alone so many times and you still managed the house, Iye, _me_. You didn’t fail me, Pa. You were always there when I needed you so let me be here for you as well.”

_( 11 – 2020 )_

"Hey Pa?"

Jiyong turns his head to where his son is sitting on the couch, with a glass of vodka lemon in his one hand and his other hand buried in the fur of their cat Iye. He’s staring at the flames dancing in the fire place and he can see the flickers shining in his eyes.

"Yes buddy?"

Minho twirls the liquor in his glass twice before he downs the remainders and pulls the cat closer to his lap. Iye catches his hand between his paws and bites his thumb but Minho doesn’t seem to mind.

"You know what I really want for Christmas this year?"

Jiyong still looks at his son who is now slowly looking up, a sad smile playing around his lips. He knows his answer but he still asks.

"No, tell me."

Silence.

Then, Minho turns his gaze back to the flames licking onto the last pieces of wood and his free hand reaches up to the neck. The dog tags lay heavily on his chest.

"For dad to come home."

_( 12 – 2000 )_

Their fourth anniversary passes with them being apart for the first time. Seunghyun enrolled and started his basic training right away which took him to Fort Benning in Georgia and of course their anniversary fell into the first period of time which did not allow him to take a day off. It sucked a little but Jiyong knew that this was Seunghyun’s dream and he promised they would be there together for Christmas.

It’s the 24th now and still no sign of Seunghyun. Jiyong is sitting at home, curled up onto the couch with a steaming cup of tea, staring at the lights of the Christmas tree that remain the only source of light in the small living room. He has nothing to prepare for university because the term is over, he spent the day with Youngbae and Hyuksoo just to pass the time and now he’s waiting. For his boyfriend to come home like he promised he’d be.

He wishes he’d have a cat to spend him company and makes a mental note to tackle this thought for the new year. Maybe Seunghyun would be fine with it. He knows their landlord approves of animals so why not? The clock ticks and with every passing minute and longing looks towards the front door, Jiyong’s heart sinks further. It’s midnight when he sets the empty cup aside and lays down onto the couch, pulling a thick woollen blanket over his tiny frame. His eyes finally fall shut at 1:42am.

Jiyong wakes up with a start and sits up on the couch. His back is aching and protesting over its bad treatment and he rubs his side, groaning in pain. Maybe falling asleep here was a bad idea after all. But his aching muscles are suddenly forgotten when he hears the sound again that startled him awake in the first place.

A rush of fear washes through his body and he wraps the blanket tighter around his body. The noise is coming from the kitchen and he can hear someone cursing. _Someone_ is in their home and Jiyong is all by himself. He reaches for the copy of _Lord of the Rings_ still lying on the small table in front of him and slowly inches closer to the kitchen. His heart it thumbing in his chest and he has to calm himself down before he wraps his fingers around the door knob and pulls it open with such a force, he almost stumbles back. The scream escaping his lips dies in his throat when he sees the person hunched over something on the floor and his hands start to shake.

The person turns his head and smiles. The most beautiful smile Jiyong has ever witnessed and knows it’s for him only.

The book drops onto the floor as Jiyong takes a few steps forward and falls into the arms of the other man, inhaling his scent, basking in the feeling of strong arms circling his waist, holding him close. There must be some tears adorning his eyes but he doesn’t care. The only thing that matters is that he is back.

Seunghyun is back like he promised.

“Hey baby,” he whispers with that deep voice of his and Jiyong laughs, blinking away the small drops of salt in the corner of his eyes as he looks up. “I’m sorry I’m late. I wanted to surprise you but then my flight got delayed and it was already late, I thought you went to bed already so-”

Seunghyun can’t finish his sentence because Jiyong pulls his face down to clash their lips together in a deep and longing kiss, their bodies melting into each other to enjoy the warmth and safety that is found within the touch. Hands roam and minds wander to different places before they pull apart to catch their breathes, stupid smiles on both their lips.

“I’m just glad you’re here now,” Jiyong whispers.

“Even though you wanted to attack me with a copy of _Lord of the Rings_?” Seunghyun asks bemused for which he earns himself a slap on the shoulder and a scowl from his lover.

“I thought you were an intruder!”

“I _am_ in a kind of way. I intruded your heart all those years ago,” the older man sings. Jiyong can’t help but to burst out into a fit of laughter at his silliness.

“So full of yourself,” he mutters and untangles himself from his lover to look over his shoulder. He’s curious of why he was crouching down just minutes before and cursed so loudly.

“Like I said I wanted to surprise you but...well I couldn’t properly hit the light switch and ran into the chair and my little surprise is now...well,” Seunghyun explains, a small pout forming at his lips because at the second glance, Jiyong can make out the small Christmas cake – or more like the remainders of it – scattered on the kitchen floor.

They clean up the mess together and Seunghyun cooks them a wonderful Christmas breakfast before they exchange their presents.

And the late appearance of his lover is all forgotten, when Jiyong feels the weight of a ring on his ring finger, making his heart burst with love and joy.

_( 12+1 – 2020 )_

Jiyong wakes up with a start and sits up in bed. His heart is racing and his gaze is still a little distorted as he tries to read the time of the alarm next to him. When his view finally clears, he sighs. It’s only 9am and he’s sure Minho is still fast asleep with a certain _someone_ pressed to him. He heard the door and hushed whispers because he couldn’t fall asleep so he knows they won’t spend this Christmas morning with just the two of them. And maybe that was his son’s plan, to bring a little smile on his face after all.

Stretching his still tired limbs, he gets out of bed and throws his warm morning robe over his shoulders. One his way down the stairs, he decides to start a fire so they can open their Christmas presents feeling cosy and warm. The boys will sure sleep in so it doesn’t matter if the fire takes a while.

Jiyong reaches the end of the stairs, when he hears a noise coming from the kitchen and a curse and it strangely feels like a déjà-vu. He freezes mid-step and listens but the entire house lies silent and peaceful. Did his mind play a trick on him? Has he really become that old so fast?

Another sound, this time from their _cupboards_ being opened ( _he knows because the hinge joints of the one squeak every time you open it_ ) and Jiyong knows there is for sure someone in their kitchen.

Reaching for the first thing that is next to him, he holds the fireplace joker high above his head as he inches forward to where the intruder is now taking out something from within the cupboard. Three more steps and Jiyong will face them, how should he confront the best? Hoping for the moment of surprise that is on his side for sure.

Taking a deep breath, he takes one, two, three steps and rounds the corner and –

The tool in his hand hits the floor with a shattering sound, making the intruder yank around with wide eyes.

Tears spring into Jiyong’s eyes and they start to sting, his heart is beating twice as fast and his stomach clenches painfully as he takes in the person, the _man_ in front of him. This can’t be, he is dreaming, he has to be, there is no way he’s standing here in their kitchen, alive. He surely is still dreaming and his alarm will go off every second now, tearing him out of this wonderful dream in which Seunghyun stands in front of him, breathing, alive.

_Alive._

“Tell me I’m not imagining this,” his hoarse whisper breaks the silence that settled, sounding louder than anything else.

The person – no, this is his Seunghyun, it is him, the way he walks towards him now, the way his lips curl into this smile he only ever saw in his dreams those past months, years –

“I am here,” Seunghyun’s deep timbre reaches Jiyong’s ears and it feels like he can’t breathe all over again, like his lungs just won’t work, his brain telling him this is not real.

“I am home.”

Jiyong only realises he has reached out for him when his fingers touch his cheek that he knows this is not a dream nor some ill figments of his imagination, he is _real_. And he is here.

Home. Finally.

His arms wrap around Seunghyun’s neck as sobs break through his throat and he buries his face in his chest, feeling his body that is _here_ and feels _alive_ and once a pair of arms circles around his waist to pull him closer, it’s over. Their bodies shake as they equally cling to each other, inhale each other, pour their feelings into this one single touch they’ve been dying to have again since forever.

Jiyong only pushes away a little to look up into his husband’s face, sees the faint scars, new ones and old ones, sees how his eyes are dim but with a flicker of hope, of love and relief. They kiss for the first time again after being pulled apart so cruelly by injustice and life, a kiss that means nothing and everything at once. Their breaths mingle as they pull away for air only to dive back into the softest touch, afraid to rush into it somehow.

“Oh my God,” Jiyong whispers, his hands holding Seunghyun’s face close, pecking his lips over and over again. “Oh my God you are here, you are really here. I missed you so much, I thought you were gone, I thought I’d never see you again, I thought –”

“I’m sorry I left you. I’m sorry I made you go through all of this, this pain. I’m sorry I left you and Minho behind like this but it was you two who made me pull through in the end,” Seunghyun rasps out, silent tears slipping over his cheek. Seunghyun has never cried before, not even at the funeral years ago. It breaks Jiyong’s heart.

“Shh no don’t, don’t apologise. I’m just so fucking happy I got you back I’m –”

“D-dad?”

They turn around at the sudden voice coming from the hallway. Minho is standing there, hair all ruffled with the shirt from the day before, eyes wide. Behind him stands a boy, smaller than him who doesn’t quite know how to react but he has a hand on Minho’s waist in a protective manner.

Jiyong pulls back from Seunghyun’s embrace while he rubs the salt out of his eyes and watches as Minho tries his very best to hold in the tears in front of his boyfriend but in the end, he too loses this battle. He rushes forward and throws himself in his dads' arms, his whole body shaking.

Jinwoo is staring at the scene in front of him, feeling out of place and he slowly backs away but Jiyong stops him with a soft smile.

“Where do you wanna go?”

“I think I should go –”

“No! Don’t go,” comes the sudden plea from Minho and Jiyong can’t help but chuckle at the soft blush creeping on _both_ of their cheeks.

“I wanna introduce you to my dad who...who finally came home after so long,” he says and Seunghyun’s brows fly up to his hairline, his mouth opening as he looks between Minho, then Jinwoo and Jiyong whose bubbly laughter can’t be held back any longer. It breaks the awkward silence and the tears dry up as the small family makes their way to the living room.

Later that night, when the presents are long opened, the food is devoured and the alcohol flowed, Jiyong pulls the blanket around them tighter and listens to the heartbeat of Seunghyun. The kids fell asleep in the armchair with Iye lying across their laps and the fireplace is sharing its last barely lit flames.

Jiyong sighs and closes his eyes.

“All he wanted for Christmas this year was for you to come home. I thought I couldn’t fulfil his wish but...you are here.”

Seunghyun chuckles and runs his fingers through Jiyong’s hair, his head falling back slightly.

“And you? Was it your wish as well?”

“Of course, you idiot. That you even have to ask that,” he grumbles.

A comfortable silence settles over them again and Jiyong thinks for the first time in a very long time, he can feel something like happiness again.

“Hey Jiyong?”

“Hmm?”

“Did you really want to attack me with a fireplace joker?”

Groaning, Jiyong shoves Seunghyun’s shoulder but smiles as he places a kiss against the underside of his chin where he can reach it.

Life may not always be fair, but you should always be thankful and grateful for what you have right now. It can vanish faster than you might think.

**Author's Note:**

> Merry (belated) Christmas, my dear GTOPPERS!  
> I originally planned to start this one early so I could upload it on Christmas Eve but then we went into a soft lockdown again, my work shifts changed and I couldn't find the time to write.  
> Nontheless, it depends on when Christmas time is over for you so I figured it would still be lovely to gift this little fic so you can enjoy the winter holidays!  
> With this, I wanna thank every single person who supported me through the year and encouraged me to write again. I know Kinktober didn't turn out the way I wanted and I promise this won't be left unfinished (maybe I'll pick it up next year randomly or will continue it next October).  
> Let's see what 2021 brings story-wise and of course I hope to see you in the comment section again!
> 
> \- Jay


End file.
